WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
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Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
That earthquake could have been an email.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist