Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
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If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
😂🖐️
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*