Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
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Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.