Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.