Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
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Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
How do dragons blow out candles?
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three