Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

Cake!!

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you

Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?

Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.