*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
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Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
the clam before the storm
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.