*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
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what it’s like dating me:
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.