Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

*at the bakery*

Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”

Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.

5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”

Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”

5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.