[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.