[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
You Might Also Like
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.