Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

not for long

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

😂

From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:

Step 1. Come into a large inheritance

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.