Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life