My eyes are brown with tiny flecks of narcissism.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Me: Wrong! (hands wife forged doctor’s prescription for tacos) We’re eating tacos.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
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Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Dear little baby Jesus,
If I got what I deserved, it’d be bad. But my daddy deserves the best. Please send him a handsome son-in-law.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone