@HatfieldAnne

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

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@Gooooats

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: Casserole.
Me: Wrong! (hands wife forged doctor’s prescription for tacos) We’re eating tacos.

@rickygervais

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

@justokpanda

World’s Most Dangerous Bees

6. Honey
5. Killer
4. Fris
3. Hucka
2. Zom
1. Apple

@TrainedHedonist

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

@Carbosly

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

@lilgapeach32

Dear little baby Jesus,
If I got what I deserved, it’d be bad. But my daddy deserves the best. Please send him a handsome son-in-law.
Amen

@TheWeirdWorld

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

@TheTweetOfGod

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

@KrissiBex

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone