Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
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I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.