Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

😁

“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”

My dog:

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.