*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
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Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do