Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
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Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.