Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
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Check your privilege
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.