Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
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It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
only 11 steps left
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.