Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
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I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Lol.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day