Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.