Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson

Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.

Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

New mindset, who dis?

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…