Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!

Harry: *y’er

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

Life of an Editor:

I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”

It was “sheepishly,” folks.

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.