[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Huge if true.
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Twitter fine art
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!