Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
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Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
