Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

The A string on my guit_r is flat

If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*