Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
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Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.