Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
You Might Also Like
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
i hope my email finds you on fire
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
rapatouille
