Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
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The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs