Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
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Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Risking my life for fun.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?