Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
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I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.