Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
You Might Also Like
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless