Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
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[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
how DARE
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
estão todos miauvindo?
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”