Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
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[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Sniffing the broccoli
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Wait for it
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.