Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
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daughter: oh sure, blame all your troubles on me! that’s the only reason you had me!
me: you know that’s not true, Patsy
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.