(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
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a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
The French cow says MEUX…
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.