(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
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I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!