(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
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While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.