Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
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hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Lmfao
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them