Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
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*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
😅😅😅
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
mariah carrie
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?