Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

No way!

Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

Animal poetry

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes