Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

How it started: No kicking balls in the house!

How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?

Me: Setting fire to the house?

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

i have one speed and it’s mosey

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.