@Michael1979

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

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@Henry_3000

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

@LeonInNewJersey

My wife and I had sex on her decorative pillows and blankets. We were in the throws of passion.

@justabloodygame

*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?

@junejuly12

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

@Shock_Monster

I get nervous about DM’s asking if it’s me in video because:

1. I drink.
2. I sometimes dance when drunk.
3. I’m always white when I dance.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

@pinupteacher

ME: For my final wish, I’d like to lose some weight.

GENIE: Only way is to eat less and exercise more.

ME: This is bullshit.

@TonyWIVK

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

@KeetPotato

[emergency dentist appointment]
dentist: what seems to be the problem?
me: my teeth [turns to nurse] is this guy new?

@Tommytoughstuff

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?