perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
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“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Oh look! A guy with “Stand-Up Comic” in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back.
That’s never happened before.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Genie: “you get three wishes”
Me: “I wish I wasn’t so alone”
Genie: “k wow I’m like right here”
Teacher: ..if another kid is mean to her, she calmly walks away
Me: *flips table* WHICH KID IS MEAN TO HER?!?!
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Women, don’t tell us about your boyfriend. He’s a guy. We know what he’s like.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.