Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
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Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I’m listening
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.