I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
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[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
beware of dog
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant