Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

7: mom what’s chicken made of?

me: um, chicken

7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?

me: no…

7: how about our dog?

me: *rips up application to harvard*

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?