Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

Good morning

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

Respect

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand