Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
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My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Meat Cute
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake