Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
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A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving