Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

📽️movie date🎞️

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

Nomnomnomnom

Me: How did the interrogation go?

Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.

Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.