Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

The human personality is made of five key elements

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

Me: *gets comfortable*

Life: Just one more thing …

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

[halloween]

ME: nice costume. casanova?

HIM: guy fawkes

ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.