Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”

Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.

Introverts: Praise Jesus!

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

…

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

Great Canadian literature.

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.

It’s amazing how music can transport you to another place.

For example, this coffee shop is playing Justin Bieber, so I’m going to another restaurant.

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

Husband; Who was at the door?

Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.

Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?

Me:

Husband:

Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

bros in the example zone 😭

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*