Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
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wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I cannot call her anything else now
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.