Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
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We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
“FOUND ‘EM!”
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Hard not to take this personally
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?