Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
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God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
incredible text to wake up to
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it