Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
you will never know the true number of layers
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Roombas should bark
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
