Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Mornin
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
