Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
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🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
Have a lovely day 😊
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.