Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
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Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I’m the neighbor
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.