Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*