Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
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Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots