Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

What I said: please stop letting flies in.

What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.

4: When can I wear 13 shirts?

Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.

Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A: A cat. Cats love fish.