Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven