Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

“Je t’aime” = “I love you”

“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”

Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*