Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.

You had me at “define legal”.

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.