wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
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A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
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