WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
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You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
#SuperBowl
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”