WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
You Might Also Like
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
*performs CPR on the turkey*