Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Me: don’t you want some socks? It’s freezing in here

3 yr old: no

Me: you just want bare feet?

3 yr old: *looks at me weird* no mommy, I have people feet

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”

Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

crochet youtube is brutal

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?