Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

[audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.

*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

[first day as a surgeon]

me: do you have any questions?

patient: how often do people die during this surgery?

me: just once